SOS I: Saga of Sunset
by The Elf Monster
Summary: I love Buffy so much I did a fanfic, enjoy!  Its all about my OC Bella Swan and her adventures with her magical boyfriend, Edward.
1. Nothing Happens, skip it

Hi, my name is Bella Swan. I hate living here in Arizona so I'm going to Forks Washington, where it sucks even harder! So I get to Forks and I see this guy named Jacob.

"Hi" said Jacob. Then I went to school.

At school I left my dad's car. I think my dad is annoying because he thinks he knows whats best for me. I KNOW WHATS BEST FOR ME BECAUSE I'M IN HIGH SCHOOL AND THAT MAKES ME SMARTER THAN MY POLICE DAD! Once everyone at school saw me they all wanted me to be their friend. But don't worry I'm not popular or anything because I'm clumsy and no one wants to be my friend, so I'm exactly like the members of this demographic! But now everyone wants to be my friend :(.

"Hello Isabella!" said some girl.

"CALL ME BELLA!" I said.

"Sorry" She ran off crying.

"Wanna be in the school news paper?" said some kid I don't care about because he's not a vampire or anything.

"News papers suck" I said because snarky teenagers are cool right?

So I went to lunch and some kids were like "The Cullens are really weird."

"Who are the Cullens?" I asked

"They are this weird family that look like they are vampires and their weird!"

"Edward is hot" said some bitch. HE'S BELLA'S BISHIE NOT YOURS!

But Edward was hot and I love him now for no reason at all.

"Look a new girl!" said Alice Cullen.

"That's stupid!" angsted Edward.

He was looking at me. I love Edward.

Then I went to biology class where I perched next to Edward.

"Hello" said Edward. I looked into his eyes, then he looked into mine, so I looked into his eyes. We looked into each other's eyes. And I fell IN LOVE with him. Then he looked into my eyes, so I looked into his eyes. Then we looked into each other's eyes.

"I hate you" he said, and then he runned away. We looked into each other's eyes.

Is it good? please tell me thanks!


	2. This Chapter is About Nothing

All week, I worried about Edward. He hasn't been to school since the day we met. Today the weather was atrocious, like it always was.

"Hi Bella" said that Jacob guy. I was on my way to school.

At school I sat in biology class learning about rabbits. I learned that cats and dogs like to eat them, kind of like how vampires like to eat people. I like Vampires, and bunnies. Someday, I want to be either a vampire or a bunny. But for now I am stuck in my boring life. I wish someone in my life will turn out to be a vampire with superpowers and then my life will stop being so boring. I wonder what Edward is doing.

"Bella, do you like bunnies?" Jessica asked me

"Yes I do! I love bunnies" I yearned for the day I could be in a romantic novel about vampires and bunnies, like Bunnicula by James Howe. Oh how I love Bunnicula.

"Okay, everyone. Class dismissed." said the teacher. "But first hand in your pictures of bunnies and clean up the glitter. Next week we learn about kitties!"

So I put away the glitter and handed the teacher my bunny pictures and went along my merry way. I walked outside, enjoying the awful weather that I hate when suddenly I heard a screeching of tires. A van was crashing towards me, In less time than it took for me to write this sentence I could be killed any second now!

"No!" I screamed. "Don't kill me, I never even got to meet Bunnicula!" There was a blur and the sound of superman and suddenly I felt safe. Someone had stopped the van, I wouldn't die now. Bunnicula has come to save me.

"Edward! I love you. You came and saved me, you are my hero!"

"Of course I did, and now I must go. Metropolis needs me!" he flew off.

"Oh my god, Bella are you alright!" said Jessica. "How did you not killed?"

"I don't know, but when I find out who saved me, he's getting a carrot!" I said, but I knew the truth. Edward is my super angel in shining armor!

Then an old guy with a scraggly gray beard came out of the van.

"Who the hell broke my van?" he said as three little kids ran out.

"A miracle" I said, "a miracle named Edward. I love Edward."


	3. Don't Bother

I woke up today with a burning inquiry, so I moved over to the computer and MSN was up.

"Hi Bella!" said Jacob_yiffer~chan123.

I opened up , and typed "Iz mai bf a vampir lol", and clicked I'm feeling lucky. It was yahoo answers. The top rated response was "lol, he sure is. All men are at times, JK"

"Oh my god!" I exclaimed, "He is a vampire! And I have this J.K. girl to thank for finding the answer." So I got on my clothes and left to go to the book store.

"Okay, so the bodies were all found..." my dad was saying into a headset as I ran down the stairs. "Oh hi Bella, Wait a minute, I want to tell you not to go into the woods. There's been a lot of killings recently."

"Sure, dad. STOP SMOTHERING ME. I'M AN ADULT NOW!" and I left.

At the book store I ran up to the cashier and asked if they had any books about vampires and stuff. The lady handed be a thick hard cover tome entitled, Dungeons and Dragons 4th edition Monster Manual. I paid in cash and went on my way. Walking home in the horrendous weather, I thought about Edward. He too was pale and had teeth, and also had lots of hit points. Perhaps J.K. was right about him!

The next day I went to school. Edward had returned to school since he saved my life. I guess he wasn't mad at me because he stared at me every second from that time forward. Don't worry he's not a stalker or anything but that would be hot. I looked into his special eyes again. One eye was red, the other was green and they had spirals in them, also they changed colors with his mood, but they were usually red and green because those colors express hotness and stalker tendencies. He looked into my eyes too, but I'm a muggle so my eyes were normal.

"I love kitties" he said. "I'm a vegetarian, so I only eat dogs."

"Thats awesome! Pass the glitter."

"Times up!" said the teacher, "Class dismissed. I left the class room with Edward. We walked outside looking into each other's eyes.

"Lets go into the woods."I said, " I'm unarmed and no one knows where I'd be, and that'd be the perfect place to hang out after school."

"Sure, lets go!"

We wondered into the woods together. I did more looking into Edwards eyes, trying to conjure up the nerve to tell him. Tell him that I knew what he was and that I loved him. I made pointless small talk, trying to avoid the real issue. It was like playing centrifugal bumble-puppy in that really romantic novel, Brave New World by Aldous Huxley. But I knew that if we were to be together for ever, I'd needed to tell him.

"Edward, your a vampire aren't you?" He got all mad and stuff.

"Yes, let me show you my true form." He stood on a fallen tree, the one place sunlight shone in the entirety of the Washington. He took off his shirt, he was sexy and hot and looked like the guy that played Cedric in the Harry Potter movies. But something was rummy about him, his skin. It shimmered like a fish, one of those gross fish with really white scales. But this guy's skin was sexier than that, but it still looked like a fish. "Behold bella, what I truely am!"

"Holy crap! I thought you were a vampire! What are you?"

"I am a vampire!"

"Dude, I have the monster manual right here, vampire's don't sparkle!"

"Yes they do!"

"Why?"

"Because shut up, that's why!"

"Oh, well I love you."

"But I'm a monster, Bella! This is the skin of a killer."

"You kill people?"

"I did once, but only criminals so its cool."

"So you're that Kira guy my dad's after?"

"I don't know who that is, but I'm a vegetarian now. Remember, I said before that I eat dogs, and deer, and stuff."

"Ohh!"

"Yeah, so if you were smart, you'd stay away from me."

"Yay! We can totally date!"

"No, I mean..." Edward seemed agitated, I don't know why.

"Let's go out tomorrow night!"


	4. Its Not Important

Edward had offered me a ride home. He bent over and I got on his back, grabbed the reins and kicked him. "Giddy up" I said, "Hai-oh Edward away!" He galloped through the woods and back to Forks. It was so majestic, I could hardly believe it. When we got to my house, I stopped him and gave him a chihuahua that I kept in my hand bag. He contently chewed it as I stroked his cheek. "Good vampie." I said comforting him. I dismounted, and went inside.

"What a minute!" said Bella's dad into his headset. "You think Kira has super-natural powers! Warewolves and ESP don't really exist do they?" He was hard at work, I though better than to bother him. So I went right to bed.

That night I had dreams about Edward. I dreamed of his fish scales, his hit point and his sexy eyes. It was such an awesome dream, I felt like he was there, watching me sleep. (Aren't stalkers so hot?) I didn't want it to end. "May I join in?" said Alice, Edward's sister. "I want to watch her sleep to!"

"Make it a foursome!" said Jasper, Edward's brother. They all watched me sleep. It was so sexy! I don't know why they call these wet dreams though. There was no water, only three vampires watching a girl sleep. Then I woke up.

"No, don't make the dream end!" I looked around. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw something white and shimmery. It was Edward, pulling up his pants. "Why are you in my room?"

"I like watching you sleep. Its totally not creepy at all!"

"That's so hot!" I said. Don't worry, Edward's not a rapist or anything. But that would be hot. "So..." I said, "What do we do now?" I looked into his eyes, he looked into my eyes. We looked into each others eyes. Then I had an idea. "Lets get freaky!"

"Agreed" said Edward. So we looked into each others eyes. ALL. NIGHT. LONG. It was like in the romantic novel, One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish. I was like the Red Fish, just finding out what it was like to look into Blue Fish's eyes. Together we were Two Fish.

The next day I was alone in bed. Edward is such a player. I remembered, I need to go on a date. So I called him.

"Hi Edward!"

"Hello!"

"We are going out today, right?"

"Bella if you were smart, you'd stay away from me."

"Why do you keep saying that? Whats your point?"

"Forget it, I'll pick you up at 4:00"

"Okay, I have another call. So bye bye!"

"Hi Bella!" it was Jacob. I hung up, and went to school.

School was boring and stupid today though. We took a field trip to a green house. Where nothing plot related happened at all. I think I tripped or something (Lol cuz im clumsy) but Edward saved me! But yeah, lets skip ahead to the date. Edward showed up at my house and rang the door bell.

"Who's that!" said Bella's dad cleaning a shot gun.

"My magical boyfriend!"

"Magical you say?" Bella's dad said ad he loaded the gun. "What kind of magic?"

"I don't know, but he is sparkly."

"I'm reporting this you know." He cocked the shot gun. "Bring him in!"

I opened the door and Edward was there, wearing a posh saddle. "Is this your dad."

"The name is Bella's Dad, young man. Nice to meet you."

"All right Bella, hop on!" said Edward. I rode him to Chez Pierre's, the most romantic restaurant in Forks. We ordered lots of expensive food, and he paid for it all. I ate it all, Edward doesn't eat regular food because he's a vegetarian, so we decided to go to the Ware Wolf Reservation and kill a deer for him to eat later.

"Guess what," said Edward. "I have ESP!"

"What, I thought you were a guy! I can't date you now! (Yuri is so icky!)"

"You're thinking of PMS, I am an ESPer."

"You do what now?"

"I'm psychic!"

"I thought you were a vampire?" I said confused.

"Vampire's are psychic, but we all have different powers for some reason. Like the X-men."

"Ohh, whats your mutant power?"

"I can read everyone's mind but yours."

"Why not mine?"

"I don't think you have one."

"Oh, so whats he thinking?" I pointed to some people across the building.

"Well, he's thinking about sex, and so is he, and he too. That guy's thinking about cat girls and sex and tenticles. That guys kinda screwed up."

"So can you not read any girl's mind, or just me."

"I can, but I don't like it as much for some reason."

"Ooh!" I said.

After dinner I got on Edward's back and he galloped as we went home. But on the way home we saw a bunch of cop cars, and my dad was there!

"What is this all about?" I asked as I looked into Edwards eyes.

"Lets find out" he said as he looked into mine. We looked into each others eyes. We frenched.


	5. Filler Episode!

Ai gut an revew, It sez I ned to wok on spling an grmmar. Fool u, I im alsome! I spul prectly. (I will work work on it though, thanks!)

So you may be wondering what was going on with my dad and the police force. I don't know, it was something boring about vicious animals killing a ton of people and arranging their entrails into various ritualistic shapes. Nothing important. The next day my friend Angela called me.

"Hey, Bella, lets go shopping!"

"Yay! I love buying dresses. Let me go get my dad's credit card!" I found his wallet and stole his card. (I'm such a lovable character!) I Ran out of the house to meet up with Angela.

"Hi Bella!" said Jacob as I ran by him. I met Angela at the Dress Store. We went inside and tried on lot of dresses. There were some blue ones, and pink ones, and even green ones. But the one I liked the most was black.

"We should go to the prom!" said Angela.

"Yeah!" I replied. Then that guy I don't care about because he's not a vampire came in.

"Hey Bella, wanna go to the prom with me?"

"Oh!" I said. I couldn't go because Edward was so dreamy. "You should ask Jessica out instead, because I hate prom because it's for posers!"

"Okay!" he said, and then left. But then some guys passed by the window.

"Men are disgusting!" I said (lol geddit cuz im a feminist.)

"I know right, how dare they walk past a window. Such sexist dicks! I hate sexists because they always walk by windows, the jerks." said Angela. I'm a feminist, even though this book I'm writing is based entirely on the idea that women are helpless and always need a boyfriend to save them from everything. Women are so helpless, I'm glad Edward is here to save me. I'm a feminist!

He walked to Angela's home together, we passes Jessica.

"Hi, Bella. I totally wanted to go to the prom with Edward, but then that guy you don't care about because he's not a vampire asked me out and I said yes!"

"Exactly as planned." I said evilly.

"What?" said Jessica.

"Nothing. See ya!"

Angela went home on her own too. "Good bye Bella! Thanks for buying me that dress!"

Then I saw Jacob. "Hi" he said. I continued to walk past him, but then he said, "Uh, wait Bella, I'll tell you something about the Cullens!" I kept walking. Then he said, "Edward's last name is Cullen, remember."

That was quite a convincing rebuttal! "I'm interested!" I said and walked back to him.

"Well, I wanted to tell you that the Cullens are..."

"I know, mutants."

"What?"

"I think the doctor in this town might be Prof. Xavier."

"The hell you say? No, I mean, many moons ago, my great granddad found them trespassing on the Werewolf Reservation. He didn't like the White White Man so he told them to sodd off. That's why Edward can't go to the beach."

"That's the most useless thing you've ever told me."

"But there's more!"

"What?"

"I donno, sorry. bye." he walked away.

The next day Edward took me to school via piggy back. We walked into school in slow motion, because we were so cool. Everyone was jealous.

"Imma gonna take you to my place babe!" said Edward doing a back flip.

"Cooooool!" I said. Then we went to Biology.

"Whoever draws the cutest picture of Pikachu wins this spray painted onion. Is gold!"

"Lets do it! Pass me some yellow crayons, Edward."

"Here you go, don't forget the red for his cheeks!" We created a brilliant masterpiece of pikachu snuggling with a pokeball.

"Congratulations Bella, and Edward. You are winners!" said the Biology teacher. "Have this golden onion!"

"Yay!" he and I both said together.

I got on Edward's back and we rode romantically into the woods. "Were almost to my house! I can't wait for you to meet my family!" said Edward. It was just like I was Naruto and Edward was Master Kakashi, trying to get me to grab his bells!


	6. It Gets Serious Just Kidding!

Edward stopped outside his home. It was a big house, like a mansion only bigger. I dismounted. "Your house is beautiful!" I exclaimed.

"I know, we just moved here a few years ago!" said Edward. "We finally saved up enough money, stolen from our victims, to buy this big ass house in the woods. Lets go meet my family!"

We walked through the door, we were greeted by Edward's sister, Alice. "Hi Bella!" she said. "Come this way!"

In the kitchen, I saw Edward's family.

"So we're making Italian food? What if she isn't Italian? Whats Italian mean anyway? Italies aren't scary are they? Humans are so strange and mystifying to me, even though I used to be one!" said Edward's Mom panicking.

"Mo-om! Lots of people eat Italian food without actually being Italian. They're called Italiaboos!" said Jasper, looking uncomfortable. "Oh hai Bella!"

"Everyone, this is Bella, my muggle friend!"

"Bella, this is Alice. She can see the future, but only sometimes and not in any kind of useful way. Jasper can manipulate emotions, again, not in any kind of useful way. Dad is good at being a doctor, and Mom has memorized every anime and every dub."

"Do you like Italian food?" said Edward's Mom offering her a bowl of top ramen.

"No, what do you think I am? Some kind of Italiaboo?"

"What! No one disses my Italian food... I mean that's fine, go hang out with Edward."

We went outside, I got on Edward's back and he climbed up trees. He jumped gracefully from tree to tree and we saw the beautiful sights of the forest. We saw the Native Werewolves, lots of deer, and even a Snipe!

"I can show you the world," Edward sang "Shining shimmering splendid tell me, princess, now when did you last let your heart decide? I can open your eyes take you wonder by wonder. Over, sideways, and under on a magic carpet ride! A whole new world! A new fantastic point of view. No one to tell us no, or where to go or say we're only dreaming."

"A whole new world! A dazzling place i never knew, but when I'm way up here, its crystal clear, that now I'm in a whole new world with you!"

"Now I'm in a whole new world with you!" He finished. "Wanna play baseball?"

"When were vampire's ever into baseball? I thought you guys played Quidditch?"

"Quidditch is for Brits and Canadians!"

"Well, lets play then!"

We went back to his home. His family had to get ready. In the mean time he let bet see his bedroom. On the way up the stairs we passed a trophy cabinet filled with spray-painted onions that Edward had collected from many an academic accomplishment. We entered his bed room, there were CDs from every Happycore, and Electronic Dance band I could think of. He had the complete series of High School musical DVDs as well. In the center of his room was a bed and lots of Digimon, and Total Drama Island posters lined his walls.

"You don't have a bed?" I asked him.

"That's because I'm undead!"

"Oh wait, yeah you do!"

"Oh yeah."

"Lets play ball." said Jasper suddenly behind me, looking uncomfortable.

We went into the baseball field, which was really just a clearing in the woods. Alice took a boombox out of the trunk and started blasting some Muse. (_Muse fans: I am so, so sorry_.) They then began to play Vampire Baseball. They ran around the bases too fast for my to see, it looked like they were teleporting! Dragon Ball Z is such a romantic anime. But then they stopped moving so fast to go easy on me. Alice threw her baseball is slower motion and Jasper hit the ball in slowish motion too. Suddenly a voice shouted across the clearing...

"Prepare for trouble!" A red-haired woman said.

"And make it double!" A black guy said.

"Uh, Triple." A blond guy with a pony tail said.

"To protect the world from devastation!"

"Who are you?" Said Edward's dad.

"My name is Black Guy, this is Red-Haired Woman, and Blond Pony Tail Guy. Together we are Team Evil Vampire!"

"Quick, Bella, tie up your hair. They can't hurt you if you tie up your hair!"

"Too late, I can smell it from here!" said Jasper, looking uncomfortable.

"We were just playing some baseball. We live nearby."

"Didn't mean to interrupt your baseball game, I'm sorry. We'll just be going now." said Black Guy. They all just started walking off, but then Blond Pony Tail Guy turned around.

"Wait a minute, I smell something delicious! You brought a snack! Now my appetite for criminals is ruined!" He growled. "No one ruins my appetite!"

"Back off dude!" Said Edward. "Muggles are friends not food!" The Cullens all started posing like gangsters and growling, the evil vampires did too.

"Dude, Blond Pony Tail Guy, leave them alone. Stop being so immature!" said Black Guy. "Lets go, you twit!" He smacked Blond Pony Tail Guy on the head

"Fine," He said. They left.

"Bella, you should be careful," said Edward's mom, "If the Ministry of Blood-Sucking finds out about you, we might be excommunicated from the Church of Alucard and Latter-Day Villains."

"Sorry," I said. Then we went home.


	7. Read Vampire Chronicles Instead

"I read that guy's mind." said Edward. "It turns out that he'll stop at nothing to kill you."

"So there were only three of them and like eight of us..." said Alice "Why didn't we just kick the crap out of them?"

"I don't know, but now Bella's in some serious shit."

"kk I run from home nao kthnxbi!" I said and I ran home to steal my dad's car to drive to Arizona, because I'm all angsty now. I ran into my house and yelled at my dad as he talked about murders and teethmarks. I ran up the stairs and got my clothes. I ran back down.

"Bella, what are you doing?" said Bella's Dad.

"I'm going to Arizona because..."

"If you don't leave we can play Pokemon, I can buy you a 3DS!"

"Dad, I don't like Pokemon. That's you, not me!"

"YOU ARE TEARING ME APART BELLA!" he said melodramatically like the romantic movie _The Room._

"I don't want to be like mom, dad. I don't want a house! Good bye Dad!" I ran out the door and got in my car. I drove off southward to Arizona. I drove out of Forks and through the woods, then I looked in the rear view mirror. Edward and Alice and all the Cullens were following me. Edward jumped onto my dad's car.

"Yo Bella! Let me drive, girls suck at driving!" he said romantically. I'm a feminist!

"My dad tried to stop me from going to Arizona, but I told him what my mom told him when she left him. I said 'Dad, I don't like Pokemon!'"

"That was the only way he'd let you leave. You did the right thing. Lets go visit Black Guy, he said he wasn't evil on the phone so I figure its safe." We pulled into Black Guys driveway, there he was waiting for us, waving and smiling.

"Hello, I'm not evil." He said as we approached his house.

"But you were hanging out with Blond Pony Tail Guy, he's definitely evil."

"Yes, and I'm tired of putting up with his evilness. So I've decided not to be evil. I want to tell you what his vampire powers are."

"Yes please tell us." said Alice.

"I will. His powers are his sense of smell. Its really good, he is also good at chasing cars on foot."

"You sure he's not a ware-dog?"

"Now that you mention it, that is possible. I've never seen him sparkle, and he isn't house broken."

"What about Red Haired Woman?"

"Also evil, but not as obnoxious about it. Though I think they might be dating, its pretty vague."

"How do we stop Blond Pony Tail Guy?" asked Edward.

"Kill him."

"Wait a minute, you said you weren't evil..." said Alice.

"Murders okay if its just criminals right?" said Edward.

"Uh, no Edward, its still evil!" Alice said.

"Were still doing it! Ware-dog blood is pretty good!" Said Edward.

"Well, we got to rip him apart and burn the pieces then!" Said Black Guy.

"Okay Bella," said Alice. "Lets go, I'll make sure you are safe."

"Hey uh Alice," said Edward. "Can you keep your thoughts to yourself?"

"Sorry."

Edward whispered to her, "she's not gay, so forget about it. she's mine."

So we drove away, but Edward wanted to go with us anyway because he's insecure. I saw Blond Pony Tail Guy chasing us on foot, outside. Edward held my hand. I looked into his eyes, he looked into my eyes. We looked into each others eyes. I looked into his eyes, he looked into my eyes. We looked into each others eyes. I looked into his eyes, he looked into my eyes. We looked into each others eyes. I looked into his eyes, he looked into my eyes. We looked into each others eyes. I looked into his eyes, he looked into my eyes. We looked into each others eyes. I looked into his eyes, he looked into my eyes. We looked into each others eyes. Isn't this epic? I think I'll call this story a saga without even looking up 'saga' in the dictionary! I looked into his eyes, he looked into my eyes. We looked into each others eyes. I looked into his eyes, he looked into my eyes. We looked into each others eyes. We drove for the prerequisite 10 hours from Forks to Phoenix, and pulled into a hotel.

In the hotel room, Alice had a vision. Blond Pony Tail Guy was still running, but he changed direction! "Now I'm having another vision! Someone you are related to, or a friend. I see the letter B."

"My mom? Her name is 'Bella's Mom'! How did you know?"

"I'm psychic. I see a building, in Arizona."

"The dance studio!" I said "How did you know about the dance studio?"

"I see that Bella's Mom is in the studio."

"Edward said your powers are bullshit, like John Edwards'."

"Shut up dude!" said Edward. "She's right here!"

"Oh yeah. What about mom and the dance studio?"

"I see another B."

"Beyond Birthday? My dad knows him!"

"Or Blond Pony Tail Guy..." Edward reasoned reasoningly.

"I will call my mom then." I pulled out my cell phone and dialed the number. "Hi mom this is Bella. How are you?"

"Bella shit gone wild, this blond pony tail guy is all crazy! He's all like 'Imma kill Bella' and shit and he..."

"Give me the phone!" said Blond Pony Tail Guy. "He Bella, whats up? I was able to get your mom's name with my powers of deduction. I have kidnapped her, but I will let her go under one condition."

"I'll do anything!"

"Come here alone and unarmed."

"kk thnx c u l8ter~!" I said and I hung up.


	8. Sequel Inevitable

I just realized something, not wanting to create any plot holes, I called blond ponytail guy back.

"Oh yeah, I meant to say that I'd be at the dance studio you used to go to. It'd be really weird if I didn't mention that at all, as it would completely screw my plan to kill you." he said.

"Okie dokie, I knew anyway because of my psychic friend but thanks anyway. Bye."

"What was that about?" said Edward. "Oh nothing, I'm going to go somewhere. I'll be safe so don't follow me. Its not like I'm going to my worst enemy unarmed and alone or anything."

"Cool, pick me up some cheetos at the gas station would you!" Edward said as I was leaving.

"And that new Mountain Dew, the red one!" said Alice.

I walked to the dance studio. Now is the day of destiny, I'll show up and he'll let my mom go, even though there's literally nothing keeping him from just killing us both outright and drinking our blood. No one is that evil. I got to the front entrance of the Studio and opened the door. Here I heard my mothers voice.

It said "Happy 4th birthday Bella! Here's your presents!" Then I knew that he had told the truth. My mom was in there!

"Yay! I've always wanted a My Little Pony doll!" said another voice. I was shocked and angry. He had kidnapped My mom's daughter Bella too! That devious bastard!

"Hey uh, Blond Pony Tail Guy? I'm here!" I walked further in. I looked into a room, there was a TV hooked up to a VHS player. He had tricked me, by playing old home videos of me. He not only kidnapped my mother, but he also stole from Bob Sagat! Now I'm mad.

"Whats up Bella?" He said so suddenly I got all scared. "Check it out, your mom gave me this camera!"

"What are you up to?"

"I'm going to film the sequel to my movie _Cannibal Holocaust, _only this time I really am going to kill my actors... and eat them. Woah, thats kind of meta!"

"I've always wanted to be in a romantic film! I loved _Cannibal Holocaust_!"

Blond Pony Tail Guy facepalmed. I don't know why. "I'll kill you after a good take, and some monologue."

"Don't kill me!"

"And cut! Now for some monologue! You see Bella, I've been planning this all along! You know your dad? Well I'm the one he's been looking for, he and that smartass, B..."

"No!" I screamed. "Then you're..."

"Thats right Bella." he stood up dramatically. "I am Kira!"

"Holy crap!"

"I've wanted for so long for this to be a clean, pure world! A world without murderers, rapists, or puppy kickers! And now, I'm going to get rid of those who stand in my way! Once the cops are called, he'll come. Humans are so predictable. Once they do Red Haird Woman, and Black Guy will take them out. They've been waiting outside this whole time. My plan will all come together, and there's nothing you can do about it! Call anyone and you die. There's a sniper hiding above you in case you take out your phone. Oh yes, I've planned this whole thing out. Including my choosing of the name Kira, and Engrish form of 'killer', so the police will assume I'm foreign."

He leaned in close to me. I took out a can of mace and sprayed it in his face.

"Ouch!" he said, "Oh, now I'm pissed!" He chased after me, I ran. He caught me of course, vampires are really fast. Don't know why I thought that'd work. He grabbed my hair and swung me against the wall. "Might as well film some extras for the DVD. Yes, this film will be my magnum opus!"

I turned to look at him, I tried to look adorable to get his sympathy, but it just came off like I was ill. My hand was bleeding, maybe I'm like Jesus, or something else that insults the reader.

"You are such a pathetic muggle. Let me bite you!"

"No!" I said, he stepped on my leg. It hurt. "Ouch!" I screamed.

"Ask me to bite you!"

"Bite me."

"Okay smartass..." but then Edward jumped in like a hero.

"I've come to save you, Stephanie Meyer! Because I love you, lets make out!"

"Oh, Edward, my hero!"

Everybody was kung foo fighting! Get it? Its a reference to a love song. Edward punched Blond Pony Tail Guy, and Blond Pony Tail Guy did the same Edward. The sniper he talked about did nothing. There was lots of fighting! They threw eachother into glass and it was really exiting! But I was hurt, it felt pretty bad! Then Blond Pony Tail guy bit my arm while Edward was distracted. Edward flew from the roof and tackled Blond Pony Tail Guy. Edward then cornered him agianst a wall. But I just realized something: I was turning into a vampire! They kept fighting and I kept hurting. for a while... like fifteen minutes. But then all of the Cullens showed up!

"Edward," said Edward's dad. "Stop it, you're killing him! Remember who you are son, a vegetarian! Bella needs you now, go to her."

"Fine," said Edward.

Alice leaned over me, she sniffed my blood and got high. The other Cullens dragged Blond Pony Tail Guy off and murdered him, burning him. It smelled pretty good, like bacon. The sniper and the other evil vampires still did nothing.

"Bella, it turns out that vampires are venomous! Someone needs to suck the poison out like on TV." said Edward's dad.

"Alice, beat it." said Edward. "Being bitten by a vampire symbolizes sex."

"Doesn't that mean you lost your "virginity" to a guy?" said Alice.

"I'm cool with it." He replied and went to town on my sweet sweet blood. He sucked and sucked, until I had lost my "virginity".

"That was awesome, was it good for you too?"

"Sure was!" replied Edward as he lit a cigarette. I fell asleep.

Death is peaceful, easy. Life is harder. Its even harder for the previous two statements to be taken seriously at this point in the story. I woke up in the hospital and my mother was there.

"Bella, Bella, wake up, Bella!" she said. "Have you seen my camera? I let that blond guy borrow it and I didn't get it back."

"I son't know where it is. Where's Edward?"

"He fell asleep." she said, and pointed to Edward sleeping with a bag of cheetos. "Edward said your injuries are from falling down the stairs."

"A likely story..." said my dad. "... hear it all the time at work."

"Guess what, we're moving to Florida!" she said.

"I want to live in Forks now. Edward lives there!"

"Fine, whatver. Here, I'll drive you to prom."

"Yay!"

I went to prom, Jacob was there. "Whats up Bella!" he said. Then I walked in with Edward. We started dancing. Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Green Day Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Dancing Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Vomit Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Cops Called Due to Noise Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Juice Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Premarital Sex Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Dunk Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Someone Brought Drugs Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom Prom

_Prom!_

Red Haired Woman was watching the dancers from the balcony. She picked up a cell phone. "Black Guy, Blond Pony Tail Guy is dead. Everything has gone exactly the way we planned it to..." She walked away, smiling evilly.

To be continued...


	9. Happy Birthday Bella, I'm Leaving You!

I spent my summer with Edward, frolicking in the woods and singing Disney songs to each other. The Lion King is such a romantic film, I like the part where Aslan fell in love with Lambchop. Before I knew it, summer was nearing its close. I realised something at this point. I was eighteen now. That's like half of my life, I began to have a mid life crisis. I had nightmares, disturbing nightmares. I was old and wrinkly, it was as if I was some ancient age, like 26, and Edward was still a hot jail-bait sex-bomb.

"Oh my God!" I said in the dream. "My hip hurts and I cant sit in this field of flowers with you anymore, Edward!" Just then the flowers turned all old, and started listening to Jefferson Airplane. I woke up, deeply disturbed at this revelation. I am just an ordinary high school student. I'm not immortal. I must do something with my life! I picked up my phone and dialed it.

"Hi Bella!" said Jacob. It was the wrong number, I hung up and redialed. This time Edward picked up.

"Who's this."

"Its Bella! Can you turn me into a vampire."

"Oh hell." He said. "Bella, I keep saying I don't want to. Now drop it already, its 4 AM. Vampires sleep too y'know."

"But you don't have a bed!"  
>"Yeah I do, now go to sleep."<p>

"Okay, sorry, good night."

I tried to go back to sleep, but I was too restless. I was worried about my mortality and exited because my birthday was today. I turned on some Muse _(No, Muse fans, Muse ain't going to live this down.)_

"Bella, turn off the Coheed and Cambria!" my dad shouted. "Some of us are trying to catch Kira down here!" My dad is such a n00b! I turned it down and read from my enormous copy of Romeo and Juliet. I'm serious this is the biggest version of Romeo and Juliet ever, and its not even annotated. Where the hell did I get this thing? I read it and read it until Romeo and Juliet lived happily ever after, then I found it was already birthday time! Edward knocked on the door. I ran to him and hopped on his back and grabbed the reins. He galloped to his big ass mansion and we were greeted by his family.

"We bought you a human birthday cake!" said Alice.

"What is this cake concept you speak of?" said Edward's mom, Esme.

"Its a type of blood made of bread and sugar. I don't know how you go about sucking it though." said Edward's brother Jasper, looking uncomfortable.

"Here is your birthday present!" said Edward, as he handed me a box. "Its a My Little Pony!"

"Yay!" I began to unwrap the box. But I cut myself on the wrapping, because I'm so clumsy and not perfect. "Man that's sharp!"

Jasper looked uncomfortable, more than usual, like someone told a really racist joke or said that they actually liked Twilight. (Worst black metal band ever, IMO!) He jumped at me like Aslan did Lambchop.

"Jasper!" said Carlisle, Edward's dad. "Count these!" he thew a handful of poppy seeds at him and he stopped attacking me, and started counting the seeds.

"Did I do that?" I said.

"That's our Bella!" said Alice. Everyone started laughing and I heard a "Wah Wah" in the distance.

"If I was a vampire this wouldn't have happened!"

"Bella, I don't want to turn you into a vampire because vampires don't have souls."

"That's a leap!" said Alice. "If humans have souls, why the hell would vampires lose them when we change. If humans don't have souls, then souls don't exist and your argument is meaningless. And how would you know that anyway? Have you seen a soul?"

"I don't know, I just believe it because a book said it once."

"Whatever..." Alice walked away.

"I want you to be safe, Bella. And that's why." Edward said and then he paused dramatically. "I'm breaking up with you."

"WHAT!" I screamed. "But... but... but..."

"It'll be like I never existed. Like I was just a character in a bad Buffy: the Vampire Slayer fan fiction!"

"No! I don't want you to leave!"

"But I must, Bella. Its the only way..." He turned away.

"There were 48,192 of them!" said Jasper.


	10. Shut In

_Author's Note: Show don't tell? Edward's not gay okay! I keep telling you that he's really a great boyfriend, and you just keep saying "show, don't tell'. Stop it!_

I ran home and angsted for one hundred years. I cried and cried. It was so painful to have Edward leave me. It was like blank paragraphs, many blank paragraphs.

(I am such a clever author!)

"Hey, Bella!" said my dad. "Happy birthday, I bought you some Radiohead CDs! I know how much you like to listen to them at 4 AM!"

"I only listen to Muse dad! And this is Circa Survive."  
>"Oh, yeah. Sorry. I mostly just listen to the band Twilight so I don't know."<p>

"Well, I'm sad and depressed!"

"Whats wrong?"

"That guy I've known for less than a year is moving away! I've decided to angst for a while. Its so depressing!"

"Don't worry, there's plenty of fish in the sea."

"But I don't like merfolk dad, I'm only attracted to vampires!"

"Sorry, uh, see you later." he said and handed me the CDs and rushed back to work. I sat by the window. Edward was such a great boyfriend and I am sad!

"Bella!" said my dad rushing back to my room, "We just got a break in the Kira case, so we're going to the werewolf reservation to look for him, stay here and keep angsting. Don't go into the woods, its dangerous."

"Okay, dad. Waaaahh!" I cried.

"Ryuzaki, you got the snipers? Good lets move out." he said into his phone and rushed out.

Alone in the room I kept crying. So depressing, I cant believe you all keep criticizing my writing! "My Edward!" I screamed every night. I tried to stalk him of Facebook but to no avail. After a few decades of pure nonstop angst, my dad decided to talk to me again.

"Bella, you should live with your mom."

"Why?" I said still crying.

"Because, I'm sick of your screaming over some guy. Normal girls don't act like this, you're setting a bad example."

"But Edward is my world, don't you understand?"  
>"No, when your mom and I got divorced, all that happened is I started hanging out with my friends more. I had a life. What you're doing now is just sad. You have friends, Bella. That Jacob guy seems to like you. You don't need to stay inside all the time. Its not romantic. You have a lot to live for, so stop. Go out and do something, its not the end of the world."<p>

My dad is so immature. I love Edward, he loves me. We are destined to be together! My dad and his stupid logic will never stand between us! "I want to stay inside forever!" I protested.

"Then you got to go. We still haven't caught that murderer and your attitude ain't helping. I'll make you a deal, hang out with your friends for a while and I'll let you stay. Just no more listening to the Mars Volta at 4 AM okay."

"Fine, I'll go to a movie with Jessica." I got in the car. I miss Edward's saddle so much. I turned on my favorite Muse album, and I went to Jessica's house. She and I went to the movies. We saw _Quarantine_, _28 Days later_, and _Paranormal Activity_.

"Those movies are awful!" said Jessica. "You should watch Citizen Kane someday, then you'll see what the cinematic medium can really accomplish."

"Not romantic enough." I said, "I'm depressed and sad about Edward!"

"Oh, I'm sorry... Y'know he's just some random guy. I used to like him, but y'know he got in trouble once for stalking?" She said. But then I saw some guys on motorcycles, and had an idea.


	11. of Juggalos and Motorcycles

So leaving Jessica behind, I walked up to the guys with motorcycles because I thought one of them looked like Edward, and I could be his girlfriend and pretend he's Edward. But suddenly I saw a ghostly hallucination of the real Edward. His fishy skin glittered magically in the moonlight.

"Bella, those guys own motorcycles. They're dangerous. Everyone with a motorcycle is in a gang!" he said. Oh my God! If I get into danger, I'll hallucinate about Edward! This is so cool! This is one issue that I won't be seeing a therapist about! I walked closer to the motorcycle guys. On closer inspection none of them looked like Edward, but that's beside the point now. I got closer and found that they were conversing about the newest Insane Clown Posse album.

"Bella, those are juggalos! All Insane Clown Posse fans are evil!"

"Hey, what's your name?" One of them said.

"Bella" I said.

"Whats up Bella?"  
>"Can I hang out with you guys?"<p>

"I don't see why not. Do you like ICP?"

"Not really."

"Yeah, I guess they're not for everyone. What music do you like?"  
>"Muse!"<br>"Cool," he changed the CD player on his bike to Muse. "What do you want to do?"

"Can I ride on your motorcycle?"

"Sure!"

"Bella, Insane Clown Posse fans are dangerous, and so are motorcycles. This guy is likely the reincarnation of Hitler! Run now, Bella!" said imaginary Edward.

I got on his bike and we rode around the block, every now and then imaginary Edward would warn me not to do this. I'm so happy I'm mentally I'll. It was so exhilarating, riding on this motorcycle and getting attention from imaginary Edward. Its like he was really there, stalking me as I was hanging out with my new friend! We pulled over. and I got off.

"There ya go, Bella. Pretty fun having a motorcycle ride, huh?"  
>"Yeah!"<p>

"Its nice to make new friends isn't it?"

"Yeah, I've got to get back to my friend Jessica now."

"Cool, see ya later." he drove off.

"Bella, you psycho! He might have been a rapist, or worse, a juggalo!" said Jessica.

"I thought that I saw something!"

"Bella that doesn't make sense to me. Saw what? When?"

"I donno." I said because I didn't want her to find out how to have Edward hallucinations. He's mine not her's. "Oh man, that was such a rush!"

"Ditz." she said back to me, and we went home.

"Hey Bella," said my dad. "I have a late meeting with B, So stay in your room the rest of the night okay. You can read comics and listen to Closure in Moscow."

"Okay, but its Muse, dad." I went to my room, and devised a plan. I think I'm crazy, but that's cool. I can induce hallucinations of Edward! My only weakness with this awesome new super power is that I need to put myself in danger. Well, if that's what it takes, then so be it. Just then the phone rang. Hoping that it was Edward I picked up the phone.  
>"Hi Bella" said Jacob, so I hung up. It rang again. Maybe this time its Edward! I picked it up. "I'll tell you some stuff about Edward!" said Jacob.<p>

"Fine, what about Edward? You know where he is?"

"I'll tell you if you come over tomorrow!"

"I don't know..."

"I'll take off my shirt!"

"Deal!"

I went to sleep and had dreams, another form of hallucination, about Edward. The morning sun came much too quickly though, and I realized that I had to see Jacob. Bummer. I put on my clothes and got into my truck. I drove to his place as recklessly as possible.  
>"Bella, stop being irresponsible. That's not the girl I fell in love with."<p>

"Yeah it is!" I drove on the sidewalk, hitting mailboxes on the way to Jacob's house. I pulled over when I got there. Jacob walked to the Truck with a shirt on.

"Hi Bella!"

"We had a deal." I said.

"Oh yeah," he took off his shirt. He was so sexy with his hot abs and waxed chest. I love me some man meat. I had to stay focused though. I was here for one reason and one reason only: to use Jacob as an unwitting pawn in order to get to Edward. I am such a lovable character.

"I brought you some things!"

"Yeah?"

I walked around my truck and pulled the tarp off. Underneath were two broken down motorcycles.

"You brought me garbage?"

"I figured because you're a guy, you would jump at the opportunity to build a motorcycle."

"Bella not all... I mean sure I'll do it!"

"Why do you want motorcycles?"

"For reasons. Lets get started!"

We had a motorcycle building montage with music. It was like that romantic television drama, American Chopper. We made pointless small talk about maturity levels for a while when Jacob's friends came into the room.

"Hey Jake, WASSUP!"

"Hi dudes, this is Bella. Bella these are my buddies."

"Heh heh, she's like... his girl. hhuuh!"

"Woah! heh heh heh ehehheee!"

"Did you touch her butt?"

"Oohh yeah. ha hmhehehehe!"

"No," said Jacob. "She came here to hang out with me as a friend. I'm helping her build bikes."  
>"Heheh... You said 'she came'"<p>

"Heheheheheahaah"

"So, you guys have girlfriends? That's cool." I said, Jacob busted up laughing.

"That's ridiculous, Bella, these guys are losers."

"Yeah right, we score all the time dude."

"No, dude, you're taking your cousin to prom."

"Yeah, and I'll score. Yeah score!"

"Whatever." said Jacob.  
>"Hey, dude, I got like an idea. Lets get some nachos."<br>"Yeah cool. heheheh!" they walked away giggling and making stupid jokes.

Anyway, back to the montage. He did all the work, while I ate pizza. The pizza kicked ass by the way. Pepperoni and lots of vegetables, like bell peppers, tomatoes, onions, and deer.

_Dear Alice,_

_ This Jacob guy is so ignorant! I mean, I'm totally just using him to get to Edward! He keeps telling me he likes me and shit. I'm like 'lol'. Get this? I actually tricked him into making me a motorcycle! I'm starting to feel better about Edward now, mostly because my plan is coming together. I will have so many hallucinations after the bike is done, its not even funny. It'll be like Edward never even left. Just got to manipulate him a little more now._

_Signed_

_ Bella_

But whoops! Turns out I'm still angsty and I am still having bad dreams about losing Edward. I put a dream catcher on my bed, but that new-age stuff is stupid and doesn't work.


	12. Werelemmings

One day I was driving around in my truck with Jacob. We talked about motorcycles while driving around the werewolf reservation. Suddenly out of the corner of my eye I saw a bunch of guys at the side of the cliff. It looked like they might have been Jacob's friends. They were playing around, but then one of them fell off of the cliff.  
>"Oh my God! Jacob, are those werelemmings?"<p>

"Bella, no..."  
>I got out of the truck and looked at them. "Jacob, can I pet one! They eat peanuts right, can I feed them peanuts?" Another one of the werelemmings hurled himself off of the cliff and into the sea below.<p>

"Bella, that's a horrible stereotype about werelemmings! Besides, they're not werelemmings just some guys I know from the rez jumping off for fun."

"Wait, if you were to jump off like they are, would you say its a _rush?_"

"Sure, why do you ask?"

"I wanna do it!"

"First things first, I got to teach you to ride a motorcycle. Remember?"

"Oh, yeah." So Jacob and I pulled over and got the motorcycle out of the back of my truck for a lesson.

"Okay, first thing you do is you gotta sit on it!"

I did so, "Okay, now what?"

"Then you make it go. Squeeze the thingies!"  
>"These thingies?" I squeezed the thingies on the handlebars.<p>

"Yeah, I think so. Now push the whatchacallit."

I did so, the motorcycle made a noise. "Yay! I can haz riding bike nao!"

"Not quite, release the thing!"

I did so, suddenly imaginary Edward appeared.

"Bella, stop that shit!" While I was distracted I made the bike go by accident, because I'm so clumsy and not a Mary Sue or anything. I heard the Wah Wah sound and I begun speeding to my death. But then I was okay.

"Again! Again!"

"Bella!" said Jacob, but I made the bike go again anyway.

I zoomed through the woods. Imaginary Edward appeared again. In fact lots of imaginary Edwards. I guess the more dangerous a shenanigan is the more Edwards I generate. I am a happy girl! So I zoomed along, admiring all of the Edwards when suddenly I hit a rock.

"Edward, save me!" I screamed. Jacob got on his bike and zoomed up to me.

"What are you doing, trying to get yourself killed?"

"You know what would be a real rush?" I said. "If we play Yu-Gi-Oh while riding our motorcycles!" I was already picturing all of the Edwards I'd be summoning in defense mode.

"That sounds like a bad idea. We should bandage your cut though."

"Sorry for bleeding."

"Its just blood, Bella, no big deal. I mean its not like I'm a vampire or anything. That would be stupid."  
>"Yeah I guess."<p>

Jacob then took off his shirt and showed off his sexy bod. He used the shirt to bandage my cuts. Then we went home.

The next day, Jacob took me into the woods because he had something to tell me. He had cut his hair and gotten a tattoo

"Bella, I have a confession to make." He stood on a fallen tree and it began to rain.  
>"What's wrong?" I said.<p>

He took off his shirt and stood in the rain and his skin began to shimmer, like a salmon. "Behold, my true form!"  
>"What are you?"<p>

"I am a werewolf!"

"Holy crap!"

"Bella, if you were smart you'd stay away from me."

"You sound like Edward..."

"Bella, we can't be friends anymore. I'm leaving you in order to protect you. Goodbye Bella."

"No, don't leave."  
>"Don't be sad, Bella, It'll be like I never even existed. Just a character from a bad fanfic." And he ran away.<br>"No!"

_Dear Alice_

_ I lost another magical boyfriend. Now that Jacob has left me, I don't know who to use to get Edward back. I guess there's all of those other guys who inexplicably like me, but they're all muggles. That's boring! Maybe I'll find a ninja. My friend Angela said that ninjas can fly and even bioslime people. And one time there was this kid sitting at a diner and when he dropped a spoon a ninja fipped out and killed the whole town. I totally want a ninja boyfriend now!_

_-Bella_

The next day I decided to take an angst walk in the woods. I was all sad and stuff over losing replacement Edward. But just then, Black Guy showed up.

"Hello, I'm not evil!" he said.

"Black Guy? What are you doing here?"

"Bella, that's racist! I have a name!"

"What is it?"

"Black Guy."

"Oh, sorry. Are you here to be my new magical boyfriend?"

"No, Bella. I'm here as a favor to Red Haired Woman."

"Ohh. What kind of favor."

"I wanted to check and see if the Cullens are around to protect you. Red Haired Woman wants to kill you and if you say that they are still around she wont even bother. But if you say they left she will kill you. So are they around?"

"So if I say they are still here I'm safe, and if I tell the truth and say that they left, which they did, I'd be killed?"

"You ditz, you basically just killed yourself. You know that don't you?"

"Plz don't kira me mister. I want to live long enough to become a vampire!"

"I'll make you a deal. I'm a little thirsty so if you want I'll make you into a..."

Suddenly a poorly animated CGI wolf showed up and Black Guy was startled. A whole bunch of other wolves lept out and chased him off. A smaller wolf walked by and looked at me. He reminded me of replacement Edward.


	13. Its a Party!

Upon seeing these wolves, I ran home. Dad was talking to his boss, or detective or something through his laptop.

"Whats up Bella?"

"I saw some crazy sentient wolves. I think they may be the animals who were willing those people. Remember?"

"What did I tell you about leaking confidential information." Said a voice from the computer.

"But, Bella wouldn't tell anyone about the investigation. Would you Bella?"

"No, I just saw some wolves in the werewolf reservation. They chased a vampire away!"

"Let me talk to your daughter, Mr. Swan." said the computer.

"Okay." He turned the computer around. On it was the letter 'B' in some kind of fairy tale font.

"Miss Swan, what did the vampire look like?"

"He looked like... a man."

"What kind of man?"

"He looked like a man."

"Was he white, native American. What?"

"He said that's racist!"

"I don't care. What did the man look like?"

"He looked like a man."

"No, Miss Swan. What did he look like?"

"She doesn't remember Ryuzaki!" said my dad. "Leave her alone!"

"Fine, I'll talk to her after she calms down a bit. But first, can you tell me what the wolves looked like by any chance, Bella?"

"Like... wolves!"

"Dammit Bella, go to your room and listen to Pink Floyd or something." Said my dad. I did, but I didn't listen to Pink Floyd. I turned on some Muse, and started daydreaming about ninjas again. Suddenly some dude started throwing rocks at my window.

"Who keeps doing that?" I shouted. hoping it was Edward or a ninja, I opened the door. It was Jacob.

"Hi Bella!" I was ready to shut the window but then he started doing really cool flips and leaps up the tree and I was like "You know Ninja stuff?" so I let him in.

"Have you ever had a secret, you couldn't tell anyone? One that wasn't yours to share?" he said.

I said nothing, because I don't have to, because I'm the hero.

"That's what its like for me, but it gets worse."

"So... you're not a pedophile are you?"

"I uh..." he paused, "Remember? I'm a werewolf."

"That all?"

"I can do werewolf... no jutsu?"  
>"That's better!" I walked up to him and grabbed his hair for no reason at all. It looked really awkward, and it was! "What have they done to you? You have a tattoo now, and it doesn't even say I love Muse. Ew!"<p>

"Do you recall, the story I told you about the beach?"

"Yeah, yeah. Edward cant go the beach because your grandfather is racist, I know."

"Yeah, that was awesome! Good times."

"Wanna go on an adventure? You wouldn't have to be a werewolf anymore!"

"No I'm in it for life. The Ministry of Yiffing was very clear on that!"

"Man, cults are hardcore some times!"

"I know right! Anywho, I gotta go. Don't tell them I was here." he tried to hug me, but I side-stepped him. Then he left.

That night I had a nightmare. In it Edward was teleporting around.

"Edward, I'm scared!"

"That's what you get bitch. I told you not to do stupid things, but no, Bella's gotta see hallucination. Geez..."

Then some wolves and other artsy bullshit happened and I woke up.

"Bella, want to answer some questions? You don't have to if you don't want to."

"No thanks, it would just be more of the same gag."

The next day I went to Jacob's house. His grandfather answered the door.

"Hey, whitey! What do you want?"

"Can I see Jacob?"

"Uh, he's sleeping."

"I got to see him now!" I shouted. I walked past the old guy and opened Jacobs bed room door without permission. I was shocked to find that he was

sleeping! I saw his friends outside. I ran to them, I was really pissed.

"What did you do? Why is he asleep! Its like 12:00 he should be up by now!" I screamed at them.

"What? What are you on about now, Bella!" said one of them

I pushed one aggressively. He got all mad. What was his problem anyway.

"Calm down dude!" said another guy next to the one I pushed. But dude was pissed, I mean I only randomly assaulted him when he least expected it! Talk about overreacting! But then the dude started turning into a wolf! "Bella, get out of here. You wouldn't like him when he's furry!"

I took two steps back and stared at him.

He transformed, then Jacob came running out. The sleep was only temporary after all! Jacob used werewolf no jutsu and turned into a wolf as well. They started fighting. Excitement!

"Hey dude, check it out!" said one of Jacob's friends behind the fighting wolves. "My rattata is in the top percentage of rattatas. heh heh."

"Those aren't rattatas buttmunch, those are werewolves!"

"Oh yeah, Heheheh."

"Yeah! Heheheh. Fight FIGHT!"

"hehehhhahhheh"

The wolves fought their way into the woods and I was out of harm's way. Once again I didn't need to actually do anything to get out of trouble. I am a great hero.

"Bella, you might want to stop screwing around with magical creatures! Guys take her home."

"All right!"

"Yeah, were gonna score!"

_Alice,_

_ Do you ever wonder if all fairy tales are true. I mean first I meet some vampires, then werewolves, then a real live ninja! So I figure that all legends and stories are true because why not?_

_Signed_

_ Bella._

Meanwhile Alice was at her secret lair in Transylvania having a party with some friends.

"So I told Buffy that not all vampires are like that and she was like 'whaaat?'"

"Ho ho ho," said Santa Claus. "You sure know how to tell a good story. Hey Cloud, tell her about that time with Sephiroth."

"Oh, yeah. When I was in SOLDIER."

"I don't believe you." said Sally Lockhart. "You, in SOLDIER?"  
>"Yeah, I was totally there. Sephiroth had just gone to..."<br>"Anyone want some hot pockets?" Asked a genie. "I can conjure up to three snacks a day!"

"I'll have some!" said Thor. 

We were on the way to my house when suddenly one guy was like "You like to party Bella?"

"Sure do!"

"Lets go see Sugar Momma instead of bringing her home then!"

"Yeah!" said everyone!

So we drove up to Sugar Momma's house. Already I could hear some Lady Gaga music playing. Hot shirtless guys were all around messing each others hair up and making out. I sat in the car, a little nervous about the situation I found my self in.

"C'mon Bella, we wont bite... not very hard!" A random guy ran by and slapped his butt and ran away. He gave chase.

I walked up to the house. An older woman greeted us.

"How are my favorite girls?" she said. "And who's this then? Guys I'm so jealous!"

"This is Bella. She likes to party!"

"Hi Bella."

"Just what kind of party is this?"

A really tan guy with a really smooth chest answered. "We work hard, we play hard!"

"Oh no!" I said.

"A girl's gotta keep herself entertained somehow!" said the woman. "Here its non-stop party. Hey guys, who wants to run in the sprinklers?"

"Whoooo!" said a bunch of sweaty guys behind me.

"First lets eat some muffins!"

"Funny, I'm more in the mood for bananas!"

"Not if the muffins are big enough!"

"Whoooooooo!" said all the shirtless men.

"I just baked some freakin huge muffins guys!" said the woman. "Turn up the Lady Gaga! Its a party!" Several guys started licking her, while the music got louder and louder. I walked home.


	14. Goodbye Cool World

The next day I walked with Jacob on that beach Edward can't go to.

"Sooo... werewolf. Thats kinda nuts right?"

"Yeah its kind of weird. When werewolves get mad we have a tendancy to transform. Like the Hulk you know?"

"Neat, well I was thinking. You being a ninja is cool enough. Do you think you might stop being a werewolf. I mean what you do is disgusting."

"Bella, its not a lifestyle choice. I was born this way!"

"But if you stop being a werewolf you can get married, and it'll be legal."

"But I want to mary who I want. I wont give up until the laws are changed."

"Even then though, my family is very traditional. My relatives don't like werewolves."

"The world should accept us for who we are, Bella."

"... We're no longer talking about the werewolf thing are we?"

"I don't even know, this whole metaphor seems pretty forced."

"Yeah, I liked it better when you were just a werewolf. Can you stop killing vampires though?"

"No, all vampires are the same. They're criminals and killers. We werewolves must protect you humans from them."

"Oh great, now you went from symbolizing gay people to symbolizing the KKK! Now I don't know how to feel..."

"Geez, you try to save people... All we did was burn one cross outside the Cullen's house right before they moved and now we're _'so offensive'_." he replied sarcastically.

"Jacob!"

"Red Haired Woman is next."

"Red Haired Woman?"

"Yeah, we chase her to the Canadian border all the time. She keeps coming back, stupid bitch."

The next day I woke up with an idea. "Time to induce Edward hallucinations!" I went to the cliff were the werelemmings were jumping off. I decided that since its a rush, and no actual werelemmings were harmed, it'd be both safe and practical. I stood at the side of the cliff, and heard Edward's voice.

"Don't do it, you got a lot to live for."  
>"You wanted me to be a muggle. This will show you to want whats best for me!" I took off my jacket.<p>

"Bella, knock it off!"

"If I can't have you, I'll at least make it seem like I do!"

"God dammit Bella!" he said as I jumped off. I landed in the water and everything was cool, I didn't die or anything!

"Prepare for trouble!" said a voice and a huge waved engulfed me. I was underwater, drowning-ish. Suddenly I saw Red Haired Woman swimming towards me.

"Oh no you don't!" said a mermaid. She had red hair and big eyes. "I love Bella because I'm lesbo now! I will defeat you Red Haired Woman or my name isn't Ariel!"

"Yay! More magical boyfriends!" Ariel fought her. Excitement! The Jacob got me out of the water and I was safe!

"Bella," he said, "Red Haired Woman managed to kill a character."

"Oh no!"

"Its okay, he's really minor."

"Oh that's cool then."

He drove me home. We spent a good 10 minutes doing exactly nothing important.

"Holy crap! I smell vampire!" Said Jacob. "We got to get you out of here!"

"No wait, that's Carlisle's car!"

"Who?"

"A not evil vampire!"

"Oh, cool. Go say hi!"

I walked into the door and turned on the light.

"Hi Alice!"

"What the hell. I thought you were dead! How can you possibly be alive. I had one of my wildly inaccurate visions about someone who's name begins with a B and some kind of liquid. I figured you must have fallen into a volcano. How the hell did you get out of that?"

"No, I harmlessly went swimming!"

"Oh, damn I suck!"

"Yeah, I guess so."

"Hey, you smell like fry bread, were you hanging out with werewolves?"

"Yeah, you want some fry bread, by the way? I brought some back with me!"

"Shit!"

"What?"

"I told Edward about the volcano! Now he's going ask the Ministry of Blood-Sucking to kill him."

"Why the hell would you do that?"

"I don't know, I really thought it was real this time!"

"What are you doing here anyway?"

"I kinda told your dad you died, and he said he would adopt me."

"Oh." I said. "Lets deal with that later and save Edward now."

"Good idea!"

We rushed out of the house.

"Hey, Bella, Whats up?" said Jacob. We drove off to Eurostan, a generic country where the Ministry of Blood-Sucking was.


	15. The DaSue Code

It was surprisingly easy to go to Eurostan. I didn't even need a passport or anything. Alice paid for everything of course. We arrived in the Eurostan national airport. Alice immediately stole a car, and we got in and zoomed to the Ministry of Blood-Sucking's headquarters.  
>"So Edward has likely asked the leaders nicely to kill him." Said Alice driving the stolen car. "But they'll say no, because he is such a speshul snowflake Mary Sue with really awesome powers that no one else has."<p>

"Okay, so then what."

"Theres a fairy tale convention in town. He's going to take his shirt off in front of everyone!"

"What will that do?"

"He sparkles remember?"

"No big deal, no one associates sparkling with vampires anyway. Its not like he'll reveal the whole masquerade."

"You don't understand, Bella, these are cosplayers. A hot bishonen guy shows up, takes off his shirt and starts to sparkle. What do you think is going to happen?"

"My God!"

"That's right."

"He's going to make them glomp him to death! Alice hurry!"

"You got it!"

We made it to the convention. Practically everyone was dressed as Little Red Riding Hood, but some were wearing costumes of more obscure characters.

"Man they're all up in the road! Its so hard to drive!" said Alice.

"Want to buy some fan art!" said a guy.

"No! Get out of the way!" she said honking the horn. Suddenly some cops appeared.

"Stop the bloody car, you yanks!"

"Bella, bail!" shouted Alice opening my side of the door.

"What!"

"He can't read you're mind. You must go alone and unarmed and surprise him!"

"That doesn't make any sense!"

"Sure it does, if I go he'll read my mind and think I'm lying, and that will make him rush to his death!"

"That still makes no sense! If you reads your mind, then he'll know that you are not lying, because he's reading your mind!"

"Dammit, Bella. You don't get it. Usually in these stories the hero actually does something. Its what makes them heroes! This is the author's way of creating an excuse for you to appear to be doing something on your own for once. Humor her okay!"

"Fine, bye." I ran to the Ministry headquarters, through the confusing and labyrinthine structure of the European town. Eventually I got to where Edward was. I saw him off in the distance. He was taking off his shirt. He was going to do it! The sun moved in the sky over head, as he walked out. He began sparkling. In slow motion, I ran out and into a fountain. Some stupid kid was like "Look he sparkles!" or something. That made me nervous. I was praying that the kid would not point out the hotness to her overweight mother. She'd kill him under her weight for sure. I ran faster but still in slow motion, because I wanted to save him but still wanted to look cool.  
>"Edward!" I said. "Don't be an hero!" He pretended not to see me for some stupid reason. I non-lethally glomped him. We made out in the alley for an absurdly long period of time just to pad out the narrative. I looked into his eyes. He looked into my eyes. we looked into each others eyes. I looked into his eyes. He looked into my eyes. we looked into each others eyes. I looked into his eyes. He looked into my eyes. we looked into each others eyes. I looked into his eyes. He looked into my eyes. we looked into each others eyes. I looked into his eyes. He looked into my eyes. we looked into each others eyes. I looked into his eyes. He looked into my eyes. we looked into each others eyes. I looked into his eyes. He looked into my eyes. we looked into each others eyes. I looked into his eyes. He looked into my eyes. we looked into each others eyes.<p>

Just then some guys from the ministry showed up. "Dr. Aro wants to see you again!"

"Nah." said Edward continuing to mack.

"Dude, that's no way to treat the Ministry of Blood-Sucking!"

"Who are the Ministry of Blood-Sucking by the way. I never asked." I said.

"Its the obviously corrupt vampire government. Like all secret organizations the Ministry of Blood Sucking was founded by none other than Leonardo DaVinci. The leaders are Dr. Aro, Vincent Valentine, and now Rue Ryuzaki..." said Edward.

"Lets go!" said the guy, he looked a little like David Bowie.

"Hey, whats up!" said Alice busting into the room. "Just ate. Cops are delicious! Wow, it sure is easy to get in here... So, hows it going?"

"You too, lets go!"  
>We all entered the great hall.<p>

"Marvelous! Hee hee hee! Our hero, Bella, the perfect Mary Sue is alive with her wonderful vampire Sue Edward. Isn't that just beautiful" said Aro. He was tall and skinny and dressed in a lab coat and wearing very large goggles. "You may be used to everyone liking you Bella. But this is my country. Welcome to the _jungle_. Hee hee hee hee hee! Ah, I'm joking of course. Oh Edward, my lad, let me read your mind!" He walked over to Edward and held his hands. "Oh marvelous! You hunger for her blood so much. Mmmm makes me thirsty. Hee hee hee! It must be so hard to resist that delectable beverage! Hee hee hee!"

"Not really, its pretty easy when you're as perfect as I am." said Edward, he turned to me, "Aro can read your mind just by touching your hands. That's right, his power is strictly inferior to mine!"

"Shut up Sue. Hee hee hee hee hee! Its not like you can read Bella's thoughts. That is fascinating by the way!"

"How did you know!" I said. Aro face-palmed.

"I know, lets do some SCIENCE!" He exclaimed. "I want to test and see if _any_ vampire powers work on you at all!"

"That's a good point," said Ryuzaki. "I cant see her name or lifespan. Could be..."

" Hee hee hee hee! Go ahead and touch my hand Bella!"

I reached out and touched his hand. He paused.

"Interesting..." he said. "She has no thoughts to read. Hee hee hee. I'm joking. Marvelous! My hypothesis is correct! And they called me MAD! Heee heee heee! Lets you give it a go, Girl With Bad Makeup!"

"Sure!"

"Nooooooo!" shouted Edward trying to protect me. She glared at him. He started crying on the floor from one psychic blast from the girl.

"Stop it!" I said.

"Fine." she said.

"Do it again! This time, no shenanigans, Edward."

"I want my mommy!" said Edward sobbing.

"I'll be gentle." she said. She made another psychic attack, but a less powerful one like Psywave or Confusion. It didn't hurt, I don't know why Edward is being such a wimp.

"MAAAAAARRRRRRRVVV\/VVVVEEEEEEELLOOOOOOUSSSSSS!" Exclaimed Aro. "With this discovery I will revolutionize the field of muggle studies, and make MILLIONS! They all laughed at me before! But they'll be sorry now! Heee hee hee hee heee hee!" He calmed down a bit. "What will we do now?"

"She knows too much." said Ryuzaki. "I say turn her into a vampire. That way she has an incentive to not tell anyone. There is also the benefit of her not passing down the Mary Sue gene to the next generation, since vampires cannot have sex. Also, she'll also be weak to garlic, meaning we can stop her in case she decides to go rogue."

"I am so glad we hired that guy. What a smart fellow!" said Aro.

Suddenly for almost no reason at all, Edward decided to start fighting everyone. He thew some guys across the room! Excitement!

"Edward, you twit!" screamed Alice. "Don't you know a situation under control when you see it! Do you have any idea how many secret service the Ministry of Blood-Sucking has? You want to get us thrown in jail? Freaking moron! I tell you Bella, this is the kind of shit you have to put up with if you want to live with this guy. Sheesh."

The secret service continued to beat his ass until I told them to stop. "Please stop! Kill me instead!"

"How MARVELOUS! Another common Mary Sue trait! Offering self sacrifice at every opportunity, but never actually having to die! Hee hee hee hee hee! Even attempting to sacrifice herself for soulless killing machines! Now I am convinced that she carries the dreaded Mary Sue gene!"

"Again! Why does everyone even think that souls exist in the first place? Let alone that vampires somehow lose them, even without losing any other mental faculties! _Seriously, What the hell_? Do vampires in this world have some kind of religion that says muggles have souls but not vampires?" said Alice.

"No! My Muggle Dispersant Ray Technology relies on the existence of souls in muggles and not vampires!"

"Okay... Can I leave now?" Said Alice. "I mean, this is turning into an Edward/Bella thing, and I feel like being somewhere else..."

"One moment, I gotta bite a bitch!" Said Aro.

"Wait! Bella will be one of us!" said Alice. "I had a vision that she'll become a vampire eventually! I'll change her myself if you want."

"I'm cool with it! Can I see the vision? Give me your hand! Hee hee heeeee!" Alice gave him her hand. "Marvelous! I see a B, an L, and the word 'Dawn'! Hee hee heee heeeeee!"

"What?" said Ryuzaki.

"That's right, B, L, Dawn. B is for Bella, L is for love and 'Dawn' is... I don't know what Dawn is. Oh well, still marvelous! Hee hee hee hee heee!" he giggled for a while and said "You'll have some interesting vampire powers!"

"So yeah... were just going to just let you go and assume that you will follow through with your promise. Have a nice day!" said Vincent waving.

We walked out of the great hall just as a vampire was leading a bunch of muggles in.

"And here we have the Obvious Death Trap!" she said.

"I wanna go inside the Obvious Death Trap!" said a little boy.

"Sure thing, little guy!" She said. They went into the great hall. I heard a scream but it didn't last long.

The next day I was back home. I went with Edward to the woods, because he said he had a surprise for me. He took out a ring and gave it to me.

"Marry me, Bella!" he said. I gasped.

Jacob came running up the path. "Hey Bella! You should choose! Its either me, or Edward! ...Why are you looking at me like that?"

_To be continued..._


	16. Interlude : Citizen L

Ryuzaki walked down the hall of the Ministry of Blood-Sucking headquarters. He had a lot on his mind, he had just joined the ministry to acquire clues for one case and ended up discovering some for another. He pulled out his cellphone and dialed a secured number.

"N, I may have made a discovery that could prove useful in deciphering the meaning of L's last words."

"'Find Dawn'?" Said the recipient of the phone call. Both were members of a secret organization of detectives. L was Ruzaki's predecessor, who had recently died of unknown causes. On his death bed he uttered these two words. Everyone at Wammy's house became concerned with what they meant.  
>"Do you recall me telling you of my plan to catch Kira?" said Ryuzaki.<p>

"Yes."

"Well, I've done it. I've successfully infiltrated the Ministry of Blood-Sucking. I had an associate of mine turn me into a vampire. We just now we had a meeting with two vampires and, oddly enough, a muggle. Funny thing happened. The woman, Alice, can see the future but only in vague initials and short words. She saw the letters B, L, and the word Dawn. As a result I'd like you to contact M, and have him shadow a girl named 'Bella Swan'. I work with her father. I'm think the word 'Dawn' may be somehow connected to her, since it was her future Alice attempted to see. And I want you, N, to be dedicated on finding this 'Dawn'."

"I will do what you ask." he hung up the phone. Ryuzaki did the same.


	17. Everybody Loves Bella

_Roses are red,_

_Violets are blue_

_World's gonna end in 20-1-2_

I read these brilliant lines to Edward as we sat in a field of beautiful flowers. The Clichéganium were always in bloom during this time of year.

"Your poetry is so deep, Bella.", he said romantically, "About as deep as I'm about to shove my slimy undead tongue down your throat!"

We frenched for a long time.

"Marry me!" he said redundantly.

"Change me!"

"Ew!" he said getting up. He started to walk away.

"... Into a vampire."

"Oh, yeah... that. Not gonna do it babe."

"But its the law."

"I'm a rebel!"

"I'll marry you, and not Jacob, if you bite me."

"Okay! Well that settles that plot point. Whats next?"

"More frolicking in flowers!"

"Yay!" said Edward and we frolicked. The frolicking continued for eight million years. "You know I'm old fashioned which is exactly what the author finds romantic."

"I do too! What a coincidence! But I'm cynical, because cynical teenagers are cool right?"

"They sure are!" We frolicked even more!"

Sadly, I had to go back home eventually. My dad was pissed.

"Bella! Did you tell Jacob that you'd hang out with him today, and blow him off?"

"Daaa-aad, I'm blowing Edward, not Jacob you silly goose... I mean, no?"

"You should go to his house and say your sorry."

"Fine. I'm taking the truck." I walked out of the house and got to the truck, but it was destroyed to the point of not working. I tried to get it to work but it just did'nt. "What the hell man?"

"Whats up Bella?" said Edward behind me. I jumped in terror.

"Don't do that!"

"You were going to the werewolf reservation weren't you?"

"How the hell did you know that?"

"Alice saw a 'T'."

"Dammit. Well my truck won't work."

"Yeah, I busted it. I don't want you to hang out with other guys, and just in case you're bi, no girls either."

"Alice was right about you being insecure."

"Yup, now go back inside and sleep. Sleep in a way that's entertaining to watch!"

"Can I at least take the truck to a mechanic I know."

"Who's that?"

"Jacob."

"Nope, go to sleep Bella."

I went back inside.

"Bella, I told you to see Jacob!" said my dad as soon as I went back inside.

"I can't dad, Edward's insecure."

The next day I went to school. Angela, Jessica, that guy I don't care about because he's not a vampire or anything, and the Asian kid that never does anything important were and doing something stupid. Alice the mentioned that she was going to have a party.

"Don't worry," she said. "Carlisle will have lots of poppy seeds in case Jasper acts up again."

Jacob showed up just then. He apparently took the day off from home schooling to see me here.

"Hey Bella, you should choose. Me or Edward."

"I choose Edward." He walked away looking kind of depressed. I wonder why.

I rode Edward back home after school. We went inside.  
>"Bad news!" said Edward.<p>

"Whats the bad news?

"There's been a pervy vampire in this house I can smell it!"

"But I said it was okay for you to watch me sleep."

"No another pervy vampire."

"Ohh."

"Lets go tell Carlisle."

I rode him to Cullen's big ass mansion.

"We must protect Bella!" said Edward's dad.

"What is this human 'protect' concept you speak of." said Edward's mom.

"Its a kind of eat where you don't bite or suck blood or anything." said Jasper.

"Sounds dumb." she said.

"Who can it be that snuck into Bella's room? Besides Edward?" said Alice.

Later on Jacob called me. "Yo, Bella! I heard the Cullen's are going to protect you! That's cool, but the Cullen's can't protect you for long, so the werewolves and I are going to take it in shifts to protect you."

"Cool!"

"So Bella, between me and Edward. Who would you choose?"

"Edward. Bye." I hung up. My phone rang again.

"Hi," said Ariel. "If there's still room, can I help protect you too."

"Sure." Everybody's protecting me! yay!


	18. Rape Ain't a Joke

I decided to meet up with my two magical boyfriends the next day. Ariel couldn't come because she was a fish.

"Stop messing with my woman werewolf!"

"No, you stop it you jerk!"

"Hey guys, settle down" I said standing between them, "For now on I'm Switzerland!" Hetalia is such a romantic webcomic. Just then Edward got really insecure and started to make out with me. His slimy undead tongue undulated near my uvula sexily (I love that word) _(Real author's note: I hate that word, stop using it fanfic writers!)_. Then I noticed that Jacob looked jealous. I began to feel weird, but it wasn't love or hot vampireness. It was the most bizarre feeling I've ever had. Like I cared about his feelings, even though its his feelings and I'm not him or anything. It was strange, and disturbing. I never wanted to feel it again. I walked over to him hoping this feeling of caring about his feelings would go away, but it only got worse. "What's happening?" I said to him, "You'd better not be doing any crazy magic or anything!"

"What's wrong?"

"I care about how you feel! Make it stop!"

"Bella, I'm not imprinting on you!"

"What's imprinting?"

"Its a werewolf power. Its like a cross between rape and indoctrination. Its really cool! But you'd know it if I did it."

"How?"

"Your bum would hurt."

"Oh, that's good then." Edward galloped off in search of vegetables to drink blood from.

"Well Bella," said Jacob. "Want to go to a party?"

I recalled the last party I went to with a werewolf. "Nah, I think I'll pass. I don't really dig Lady Gaga. I'm more into muse y'know?"

"Lady Gaga? You went to one of Sugar Momma's parties didn't you? Well, she and her uh, "friends", wont be here. Its actually a council meeting."

"Oh cool!"

We got to the party that night. Jacob and I approached a campfire surrounded by a bunch of guys in white cloaks and pointy hats. They all started chanting

"Wolf Power! Wolf Power! Down with those dirty bloodsuckers!"

"Holy crap! should I be here?"

"Oh yeah, you get to be in the clan. We are dedicated to murdering vampires, just as the will of our founder: none other than Leonardo Da Vinci."

"I thought he founded the Ministry of Bloodsucking."

"He founded lost of secret organizations: The Priory of Scion, The Sailor Scouts, Wammy's House, The Green Lanturn Corps... Just to name a few. He was

very mysterious and wise."

"Cooool!" I exclaimed. "But I don't want to lynch my boyfriend."

"Don't worry the Ministry of Yiffing wont harm your precious boyfriend Sue. Not unless the Cullens break the treaty."

"Oh, that's cool I guess."

"We are but a small tribe." said Grand Dragon Clearwater. "But the good lord, wolf Jesus, gave us the magic powers smite the wicked and evil vampires."

"Wolf Power!" shouted everyone.

"We were transformers, more than meets the eye. Yeah, transformers, werewolves in disguise. We were all like "roar!", and the vampire were like "oh no!". And then we killed them and stuff and it was sweet!"

"Cool story bro!" I said. "Tell me about Edward!" Everyone just stared at me. I was disappointed...

I went to Edward's big ass mansion the next day. Everyone was watching the news because Alice is likely a quack.

"The killing spree set forth by some foreigner calling himself 'Killer' only pronouncing it wrong, escalated today with much killing. We're all probably effed. As predicted a large number a morons is blaming this on 2012, because they're stupid and have no lives."

"Dammit Red Haired Woman!" shouted Carlisle raging so much he turned off the TV. "We must do something!"

"This is a lot of murdering!" said Jasper looking uncomfortable. "They're probably some new vampires!"

"New vampires?"

"Yeah, the first couple of years of vampirism are a bitch. We just can control ourselves. They are cookoo for blood."

"Hurp durp." said some dude named Emmett, trying to be included. I haven't mentioned Emmett yet because he's a worthless character that never does anything anyway. But he's there, but I wont bring him up again because he's that worthless. Doesn't even fall in love with me or anything. Freakin stupid.

"Some asshole's building an army of vampires. Its going to be worse than the Tea Party boom of 2008. At least the Ministry of Bloodsucking will probably take care of it, just like they did the Tea Party boom of 2008."

"Maybe they're behind it. I mean they are obviously corrupt." said Edward.

"Whaaaaat?" said Carlisle.

"I read Aro's mind."

"Wait a minute." said Jasper looking uncomfortable. "You mean you actually used your psychic powers in any kind of useful way for once?"  
>"Yeah, you got me. April Fools!"<p>

"hahahaha. Oh that's our Edward!" said everyone. Then that dang "Wah wah" sound happened again.

So on my way home I saw Jacob again.

"Hey Bella you should choose me because I like you."

"I choose Edward!" I said. Then Jacob mouth raped me. I punched him in the face but hurt my hand because he's a werewolf, even though I did the same thing to a werewolf before and never hurt my hand but whatevs this is my story, I'm the hero! "Ouch, I hurt my hand!"

Edward galloped in all mad. "Don't rape my woman bitch!" He yelled running at Jacob.

"She want me, she just wont admit it."

"Dude rape is not cool!"  
>"Yeah it is. That's why that Haruhi Suzumiya book is popular."<br>"You're a dumbass. Only stupid weeaboos like that shit! Just because a book is popular doesn't mean that its good! Often times popular books are just plain awful, especially if they star an ordinary high school student Mary Sue who meets a magical boyfriend or girlfriend... but I digress, rape is the kind of thing that makes me really hate this world you know! Get over here so I can beat your ass!" Said Edward freaking pissed for multiple reasons.

"Knock it of you twits!" Yelled my dad coming out of the house with multiple shotguns and a badass cigarette. "Lets not overreact."

"Jacob raped Bella!" said Edward.

"Oh, damn. Jacob you got 3 seconds to get the hell out of here." my dad said raising his shot gun. "123! Die you worthless piece of shit!" he pulled the trigger and shot Jacob then and there. But he didn't die, instead he turned into a wolf and ran away. More like werepussy if you ask me.


	19. The South Shall Rise From The Grave

So I was at the Cullens, having Carlisle heal my hand when that one worthless character I told you about was like "You're gonna be a feisty newborn!" and I was like "Whee vampirism!" But then another Cullen, a girl with blond hair got all pissy and left the room. I followed her onto the posh balcony of Edward's big ass mansion.

"So and rant about the awesomeness of becoming a vampire elsewhere bitch. I don't care about your stupid little life."

"Why are you so bitchy now?" I asked.

"Once I was raped and went on a killing spree."

"So what, what does this have to do with me?" Then I had that feeling again, I cared a little about her feelings. Why the hell was I starting to care about how other people's feelings. I mean they're other people! What the hell is wrong with me? I guess it'll get better when I'm a vampire.

"Want me to murder Jacob?"

"Maybe later."

I forgot to tell you. Graduation happened! I went to the party afterwards and Jacob showed up. All that really happened is we stood around awkwardly the whole time, but then I saw Alice. I walked over to her and asked her what hair brained vision she had this time because obviously she would have had a vision since that's her whole purpose in the story.

"I saw a B, a P, a V, an S, and an E"

"Evil vampires sniffing my panties? Coooool!"

"Inorite? But I feel these evil vampires are actually..." she paused dramatically "... EVIL!" I heard a dun dun dun in the distance, probably just geese.

"Holy crap!"

"Some new vampires are going to attack. They're coming to kill you! Probably didn't like the smell."

"Aw shit yo!" said Jacob.

"Beat it, rapist!" said Alice.

"No I'll get the Ministry of Yiffing to help! But first, who do you choose Bella?"

"I choose Edward."

"Damn, well I'll talk to the Mr. Clearwater, I'm sure he'd be glad to kill some blood suckers... uh, bye." he ran off.

The next day the vampires and the werewolves went to go training in the woods. I was there too for some raisin. I got off of Edward and joined the rest of the vampires. The werewolves showed up in their lycanthropic state in order to hide their identities.

"They don't trust us enough to come in their human forms." said Edward.

I looked at one of them and knew it was Jacob. "Oh hai Jacob!" I said directly to him. Jacob tried to face palm but dogs can only really cover their noses because their forelegs are too short.

"Welcome!" said Carlisle. "Jasper has experience with newborns... because he's a vampire and therefore there was a time were he actually was one, so I guess we all do. Anywho, these vampires are more powerful because they still have some human blood in them and they lack psychic powers. But I guess their stats are higher or something. Still kinda unbalanced."

"That's right!" said Jasper looking uncomfortable, "They get a +2 to every skill other than wisdom, new vampires also get to roll twice as many dice and have twice as many hit points. The psionic abilities negate this bonus which is why they're stronger stat wise. Of course psychic powers would give us the upper hand any way if _some people_" he gestured to Edward "would just freaking use them for once! Two important keys to beating them. One: they'll make their weak points obvious. You should know that they only do this because they know you'll fall for it, subvert their strategy. Two: don't ever let them get their arms around you. You don't want to have to deal with the grappling rules! Those damn rules are pointlessly complicated and I wont do them!"

Alice turned on some muse and everybody was dancing. I guess vampire training is really weird. The wolves did no training, they just sort of watched. Weird.

After all that, I was alone with Jasper. "How do you know so much about new vampires?"

"I was in the war, the civil war. The American civil war. Yeah I'm pretty bad ass" said Jasper looking uncomfortable.

"That's neat I guess. What does this story have to do with me?"

"You asked about my knowledge on newborns. Just listen to me for once. They used vampires in the civil war. We were fighting for the just right to own slaves. I met some white women on the way. They were checkin' me out. So I was like "Ladies" and they were like "Hope you don't die!" so I was happy. But then she bit me and I started obeying all of her commands. You know like pokemon. She nicknamed me 'VAMPY'. I told her to use lowercase because it looked better, freaking n00b didn't listen. I can manipulate emotions by the way. That was pretty useful to her, even better than having Intimidate. To bad Dream World abilities are banned in the north. She used to make me kill the vampires working for her. Didn't make a damn bit of sense."

"Cool story bro."


	20. Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny

The advent of the epic battle came. This is it! I valiantly rode Edward to the battlefield where Jasper was. Jacob showed up too.

"This here clearing will give us the advantage for some reason." Jasper said looking uncomfortable. "We'll lure them here with Bella's scent. Bella, give me something that smells like you." I handed him my underwear. Edward had decided to keep me somewhere safe and trick them with my pants.

"How will we hide Bella though? They can always track her down with scent if they have a werebloodhound."

"We need a butch, smelly manly man who never wears a shirt to carry her and mask her scent with 100% real man-stank." said Jasper.

"I'll do it." said Jacob.

"Yay!" I said, totally and inexplicably forgetting that Jacob is a freaking rapist. I must be the dumbest protagonist ever. Jacob carried me in a sexy way up the mountain. His man-stank filled the air, an aroma of wet dog and kibbles and bits wafted through the air. I felt like I was in a dream. The dream of a young-adult romance novel author with no talent what so ever.

"So Bella, who do you choose?"

"Edward, now walk faster!"

"You can love more than one person at a time Bella."

"Oh my!" I said. "Just what are you suggesting Jacob?"

"No, I mean some werewolves I know can do it."

"I can't rape/indoctrinate, Jacob. I'm not a werewolf! Also morality."

"I know you love me Bella, you just wont admit it. You defiantly do. I am not in denial. If I like someone they like me to, even if they say they don't!"

"Please don't rape me again."

"But you want to be raped, trust me." We got to a camp site that Edward had set up. I hugged him and he thanked Jacob for his man-stank.

"Lets go in the tent." Edward said leading me inside. The night came and it got cold.

"What the hell man its all cold!" I said. Jacob came inside, we had him sleep outside of the tent because he's not house broken yet.

"Can sleep with all that bitching about it being cold. Of course its cold, we're on the mountain! Anyway, its spooning time! Oh yeah!"

"No bro, no spooning with my muggle girlfriend!"

"Come on man, I'm hotter than you are. You and your eyebrows. Its brows like those that make me wanna go straight."

"Its cold and now your fighting. God its cold!" I said. Jacob snuggled me without my consent, but whatever. He was right about being hot, and the eyebrows.

"Aw right, now take off your pants! Gigadee." He said comfortingly.

"Stop thinking about porn!" said Edward.

"You never let me have any fun. So, Edward what do you think, we make a cute couple eh?"

"Grrr" Edward was agitated.

"U mad bro?"

"Goddammit."

The next day Jacob ran off to kick some ass, but not before we made out in front of Edward. I'm so glad I didn't care about Edward's feelings at that point, maybe I'm getting better. After that Edward and I shared many pointless pauses. "I sense Red Haired Woman. She's not alone."

"Oh shi..."

A vampire came out of the woods walking towards us. He had black hair but wasn't that worthless character, Ernie or whatever. I think saw him on a milk carton.

"Riley, listen to me." said Edward. "Red Haired Woman is just using you to distract me."

"What? That cant be." he said.

"Search your feelings, you know them to be true."

"No, that's impossible!"

"Riley, join us. It is your destiny. You don't need to die."

"Nooo!" he screamed. Then a werewolf jumped on him and bit his hand off.

"You magnificent bastard. I read your book!" said Red Haired Woman approaching. "I knew you'd bring her here!"

"Knew I shouldn't have written 'How to Hide Bella'."

"Die!" she said.

"Wait, I want to brag about how I murdered Blond Ponytail Guy."

"You're an asshole!" she said and charged at him. They fought! Excitement! Riley joined into the fray as well even without a hand. It was all exiting and awesome, and one time Edward even did a kamehameha. But then I got all emo and slit my wrist. That dumbass Riley was distracted by it long enough for Edward to FINISH HIM! Edward and Red Haired Woman wrestled each other when suddenly there was a gunshot. Red Haired Woman had died.

"Don't mind me" said a guy in the doorway of a helicopter slightly above us. He was blond and was wearing some kind of femmy leather clothing. "Don't touch the feathers that were in that round either. They're lethal to the undead!" then the helicopter flew off.

"What was that about?" I said.

"No clue." said Edward. "But hey, guess the villains are all dead!"

"Sweet, what do we do now? End the story?"

"Yeah right! Lol."

_To be continued... _


	21. Breaking Dawn Part 1 Act 1

Chapter 21: Breaking Dawn Part 1 Part 1

Today was the day of the wedding between me and Edward. Wedding wedding wedding marriage wedding! Wedding wedding wedding marriage wedding! Wedding wedding wedding marriage wedding! Wedding wedding wedding marriage wedding! Wedding wedding wedding marriage wedding! Wedding wedding wedding marriage wedding! Wedding wedding wedding marriage wedding! Wedding wedding wedding marriage wedding! Wedding wedding wedding marriage wedding! Wedding wedding wedding marriage wedding! Wedding wedding wedding marriage wedding! Wedding wedding wedding mariage wedding! Wedding wedding wedding marriage wedding!

But then I had a scary idea. What would happen if the Ministry of Bloodsucking was at the wedding? I had a daydream about it.

"Marvelous!" said Aro in my daydream. "I guess now the Mary Sue Bella will get to have impossible vampire sex and have a Mary Sue baby from Mary Sue Edward."

"Aro, you know that's not possible." said Ryuzaki

"Marvelous! heheheheee!"

After that more wedding! Wedding wedding wedding marriage wedding! Wedding wedding wedding marriage wedding! Wedding wedding wedding marriage wedding! Wedding wedding wedding marriage wedding! Wedding wedding wedding marriage wedding! Wedding wedding wedding marriage wedding! Wedding wedding wedding marriage wedding! Wedding wedding wedding marriage wedding! Wedding wedding wedding marriage wedding! Wedding wedding wedding marriage wedding! Wedding wedding wedding marriage wedding! Wedding wedding wedding marriage wedding! Wedding wedding wedding marriage wedding! Wedding wedding wedding marriage wedding! Wedding wedding wedding marriage wedding! Wedding wedding wedding marriage wedding! Wedding wedding wedding marriage wedding! Wedding wedding wedding marriage wedding! Wedding wedding wedding marriage wedding! Wedding wedding wedding marriage wedding! Wedding wedding wedding marriage wedding! Wedding wedding wedding marriage wedding! Wedding wedding wedding marriage wedding! 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	22. Breaking Dawn Part 1 Act 2

Chapter 22 Breaking Dawn Part 1 Part 2

_(Author's Note: No badfic more than six chapters long is complete until the Mary Sue becomes pregnant.)_

After the wedding Edward and I went to Eurostan, to another one of Edward's big ass mansions that he bought on a whim. We were going to have sex, because that's what you do when you get married, even though vampire sex is impossible. But I don't care this is my story!

I rode Edward to the front door where we were greeted by the house keepers that Edward had hired to take care of the place and live there. We handed them our bags and went inside.

"We've prepared your bedroom sir Edward. Be careful, the bed we just placed in there once belonged to none other than Leonardo Da Vinci."

"Coool!" I said. I ran to the bedroom and got ready for the ride of my life and the ride of Edward's unlife.

"Bella," said Edward. "I want to say romantic crap to you."  
>"Yay!"<p>

"I love you Stephanie Meyer. Have sex with me!" said Robert Pattinson sexily.

"I love you too!"

"We'll make this work, I promise."

"Well, if not you can always just use your mouth."

I went to the bathroom to get ready. I turned on some really bad pop music and brushed my teeth with Clorox and licked my lips for nine hundred and three minutes. I was so turned on. I got on the bed and Edward rocked my socks and also my vagina. The sex was so violent and PG-13 that Edward bit a pillow and sprayed feathers all over the place. The bed snapped under the stress of all the sock rocking and fell apart.

"Oh crap!" said Edward

"Keep sexing!"

"Oh yeah!" he said and we screwed for sixty five million years. It got hotter and hotter but then I fell asleep because that's how I roll bitch.

I woke up the next day bruised and sore because its a really dumbass idea to have impossible vampire sex when you're a muggle. I looked around at the broken bed. For some reason the word 'Dawn' was painted in fancy lettering on the head board. I swam through a sea of feathers. Edward was playing the piano and singing the magic carpet song again. But then I peed on a stick and it said "Oh noes! Ur preggers!"  
>"Oh no, Edward! I'm preggers!"<br>"What?"

"Yeah, a stick told me."  
>"Uh, house keeper! What does it mean when I preggers a girl?"<br>"It means you got a bloody littel baby in your bird." said the house keeper. "But you're a vampire so it makes troubles for you. You should get a abortion you should you should."

"No abortion! I'm by default Mormon!" I said.  
>"And its thanks to people like you that people don't much like Mormons then issen it? Bloody twit." he replied. "I suppose if you really want to raise the littel dhampire you could just call your dad the doctor."<p>

"Edward, call Carlisle!"  
>"Sure." he picked up the phone and dialed. "Hey pops. I just made a vampire hybrid with Bella. What do I do? ...yeah... oh really... I'll be there soon."<p>

"What did he say?"

"He says the Ministry of Bloodsucking doesn't like dhampires and we need to get the thing aborted."

"Noooo!"

"He says Aro is being cautious about the Mary Sue gene these days and doesn't think they are '_marvelous'_."

"No, I'm keeping the baby."

"These wankers broke Dawn! That was an irreplaceable antique!" shrieked a house keeper from Edward's room. "Leonardo Da Vinci will be spinning in 'is grave!"

"Lets go Bella."

"K" 

We went to Edward's first big ass mansion. Edward and I resolved to keep the baby, and just not tell the Ministry of Bloodsucking. Then we went into the house. I was already big and fat. The pregnancy lasted for more than two whole days! How can anyone be expected to wait _that_ long! Jacob was there too.

"Hey Bella!"

"I choose Edward." I said

"Oh. Well have fun with baby."

"Okay!"

"What will you name it?" asked Esme.

"I've decided." I said, "That if its a boy, I'll name him Tom. If its a girl however, I will name her..." I thought for a second. Girls are supposed to have awesome names like 'Bella Swan' y'know. Then I decided. "I will name her '_Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way'_!"

"What a great name!" she replied.

"If Bella wants an illegal Mary Sue baby, she can and should." said Edward. "Because women only exist to have babies." I'm a feminist!

"That's right" said every female character in the universe, and many of the male characters too. "Babies are awesome! If you're a girl and don't have a baby before the age of twenty, then you are worthless!"

"This universe is stupid, no wonder none other than Leonardo Da Vinci left." said Jasper looking uncomfortable. Carlisle came into the room with a thirst buster full of blood.

"Drink this for your baby. Babies are awesome!" he said handing me the cup. Then I went into labor. The baby was ravaging my insides and gross sounds emanated from my wombage. I vomited a river of blood, the likes of which the world had never seen! I then proceded to piss like a racehorse that just drank a fourteen tons of beer_ (That Toby Kieth song is so romantic!)_. Carlisle waded through the vast, unfathomable sea of blood and pee, and stabbed me with a syringe full of venom because why not?

"Dammit, Bella's in danger! The baby is just too special!" he said.

"The Mary Sue gene!" shouted Edward.

"Don't die Bella!" screamed Jacob. "Who do you choose?"

"God dammit this special baby!" said Edward, who was anxious.

"Werewolf crap and alpha hurp durp!" said Jacob about something that has nothing to do with anything. I started to vomit and my spine broke and more nasty stuff happened and then I died, but don't worry, Edward saved me with the power of love. Then Jacob saved me with the power of friendship. And Ariel saved me with the power of her rich dad.


	23. Breaking Dawn Part 2 : My Immortal 0

Breaking Dawn Part 2

The brilliant light overhead was still blinding-bright, and yet I could plainly see the glowing strands of the filaments inside the bulb. I could see each color of the rainbow in the white light, and, at the very edge of the spectrum, an eighth color I had no name for.

_(Real Author's Note: This was in the original book. What is that, some kind of Mary Sue color?)_

I had the baby, and better yet, I was a vampire just like Edward. But there was bad news! Werewolf shit hurp durp was happening! Grand Dragon Clearwater wanted to kill the baby! Suddenly Jacob did some voodoo to mah baby.

"Guess what, Bella!" he said "I want to have your baby's baby! I indoctriraped her!"

"Oh hell..." Said Carlisle.

"Nah, I'm cool with it." I said.

"I'm going to stop being in the Ministry of Yiffing!" said Jacob. "Its the only way to stop the Grand Dragon. I'm going to start my own secret organization."  
>"Just who the hell do you think you are? You can't start a secret organization." said Carlisle.<br>"Oh yeah that's right. I'll start a public one. Now Grand Dragon Clearwater can't stop me!"

"Have fun with that. Us Cullens have to do things that actually have something to do with anything." said Carlisle.

"But I'm saving the baby!"

"Yeah, yeah. Get lost."

"Hey, Jacob." I said now in vampire form. Vampires are supposed to be crazy and shit when they are first converted but not me. I'm special! "You can take my baby and live with her for a while too. I'm sure it'll be just fine even though you are a known rapist and now a pedo." Just then Jasper ran into the room.

"Everyone!" he said looking uncomfortable. "The Ministry knows about the baby!"

"Oh shi..." said Carlisle. "Now they are going to kill her!"

"They're going to murder her!" said Alice.

"No, not my new girlfriend!" said Jacob.

"Did I say Ministry of Blood Sucking? I mean the Misery of Magic." said Jasper.

"What?" I said.

"The Misery of Magic. The were founded by..."

"I know, none other than Leonardo Da Vinci right?"

"How did you know? Anyway they sent some people over." The Door bell rang. We ran to the door. Jacob began making out with the baby.

Carlisle opened the door and said "Hello, welcome to my big ass mansion." There was an old man at the door. He was wearing lots of American Eagle merchandise and an Avril Lavigne cape. Next to him was the most Gothic looking prep I'd ever seen.

"Greetings, my name is Principal Dubledum Dumblydore Dublydeor and this is Professor Sodomize Snap. I run a magic school called Hogwarts in England. I regret to inform you that Bella's daughter is in danger. If the Ministry of Bloodsucking finds out about her. They'll kill her. So I must offer to take her into custody."

"No!" I said. "I want to keep my baby!"

"And I imprinted on her so she's my girlfriend now."

"This cannot be!" Snap said in a crisp voice. "There must be other factors!"

"You don't have any!" I shouted angrily.

"Now, now, Bella. I think we should hear them out. Its only a matter of time till the Ministry of Bloodsucking finds out anyway. There's no chance for Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way when they do."

"But!"

"No, Bella. If you truly love your baby you must let Dumblydore take her." said Carlisle. "I mean if you truly loved your baby you wouldn't just hand her to a pedo, but whatever... Just let her have a life."  
>"By the way. I will cast an anti-imprinting spell at once!" said Dumblydore. We cannot have Jacob ruining her life." he raised his wand and Jacob's evil little spell was broken. Jacob ran home and cried.<p>

"Well if I must..." I said. "Do me one favor. Send her away with all of my Muse CDs to remember me by. They're at my dad's place."

"Sure I will. Now off we go." He took my baby and I waved goodbye. 

**Epilogue - "My Ex Immortal"**

Following the adoption of Bella Swan's demon spawn by Principal Dumblydore, Bella and Edward's desperation and melancholy increased to unbearable levels, hurling them into a spiral of unending depression. The newly wed couple, soaked in their grief, wandered one night to the nearby werewolf reservation. Standing at the cold shores of the ocean, on the cliff that Bella once tried to induce hallucinations of her lover, the two vampires shot garlic and holy water straight into their veins. The solution burned as the two said goodbye to the world. Bella, sure that there was an afterlife. Edward, still entertaining ideas of his soulless being. The both of them jumped into the icy waters below, off of the earth and into oblivion. Never to love again. Never to be seen again. Never to think again. You see, while Edward's sister never believed that Edward had no soul for being a vampire, he and Bella were still Mary Sues, and it is indeed true that Mary Sues do not have souls after all.

Dumblydore, now holding Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way, walked to Bella's Dad's house. He had a promise to keep.

"Hello, Mr. Swan." said Dumblydore. "Your daughter sent me to pick up some CD's of her favorite band."

"Yes, she said you were coming." he said, handing the old man a stack of CD's. "They're called _'My Chemical Romance'_. I don't know what she sees in them. I hope the baby likes them."

"I do too. Good day sir." and the magical man teleported to Hogwarts in England.

_To be continued in the fan fiction, My Immortal._


End file.
